I don’t enjoy waiting. Really, who does? But as an off-the-charts “J” on the Myers-Briggs personality test I claim my “need” for closure. It sounds nice to be someone who lives in the present and can claim the ambiguity of the future, but it certainly doesn’t come naturally. Yet I wonder if it needs to become more of me.
You see, if I say that I believe that I am ultimately not in control of my life (and I do) then waiting is part of that. It’s part of that trust that God is good, that He is good all the time, that His timing is better than my own. When I (attempt to) wrest control back into my domain, into my timing, things go afoul. I might not notice it immediately, but somehow the pressure to do the right thing in the right time at the right place for or with the right people always seems to creep in. It ultimately becomes about me. And I believe that we are created more than just for ourselves.
Practically, it means that I don’t have answers about houses, what to do with my new car that causes me pain, or how to maintain some of the friendships I’ve made with parents at R’s school now that school is over. I’m not even sure where I/we should be volunteering at church and/or in our community. But I’m taking those baby steps to trust, to listen.
- I’m (trying to) pray more. And yes, ahem, that means I need to get up earlier than I do. (Which, in turn, means I need to go to bed earlier than I have been.)
- I’m trying to journal more. This fits in with prayer, as I tend to focus more when I write than when I sit and pray.
- I’m trying to not “solve” my problems and embrace how uncomfortable this waiting is for me. I find it stressful and energy and emotionally taxing. But when I pray (it circles back, doesn’t it?) it doesn’t feel so overwhelming.
- I’m listening to my gut/intuition more, recognizing that it’s part of my emotional growth process. (It’s not just emotions, clearly, but there’s more to it than my logical brain wants to admit.)
- And, forgive me if this sounds esoteric, I’m trying create more. Something about letting those juices flow engages me in a different way and pulls me out of my head. Freedom!
And so, I wait. Deep breath, and wait.