In Genesis 19, we read about Sodom and Gomorrah, and about Lot and his family fleeing from Sodom after being commanded to do so by angels in their midst. Verse 26 states “But Lot’s wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.” For this post, I’m not interested in debating why Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed; I want to focus on Lot’s wife.
There are various hypotheses of why she was turned into a pillar of salt. Was it because she longed for the evil way of life that was being destroyed? Because she saw God sending his wrath on Sodom? Looking back to see if her sons-in-law were coming? Was it because she didn’t trust God’s goodness in his directive to have her leave?
We move in one month and four days. I want to go, because I believe we are supposed to move. Doors opened and closed in such a way that it is clear that California is our next step. And I am convinced that God is good, all the time. So why am I struggling to find the positive emotions for the steps ahead? Instead, I find myself longing for evergreens, gazing at lakes and Seattle sights and sighing. Tears come unbidden too often for my comfort and can be conjured up on a moment’s notice.
I feel like I’m in this awful multi-pronged limbo:
- I find myself starting to pull away from some of my friendships here so the goodbye won’t be as emotional
- The “research” side of the peninsula is done: we have a place to rent, schools for the kids, and at least one of the extracurriculars ready to go
- House prep is never-ending, but now I need to balance “making memories!” with getting it all done. And now we need to find renters to start in (ideally) less than 1.5 months.
- I think I’m a little (not clinically) depressed and am developing really good avoidance techniques: lots of reading, sometimes running, and just frittering time away with anything and everything to avoid the lists
It just feels hard and sad and bad. And then I layer on guilt. “If God wants us to go and He sees the whole picture, who am I to be sad? How are my kids supposed to be positive about this if I am so sad?” (In my defense, I let the kids know I am sad, but I don’t dwell in that space with them. I go there when they need to talk, etc, but try to help point out the truth of God’s presence, etc to them.) So today I feel like Lot’s wife. Perhaps not for the same reasons, but I find myself wanting to look back on this life I love. Lord, for any sin that I harbor in this, forgive me. Change me. May I own my emotions but also truly trust through the tears.